A Retrospect

The piece you are about to read was written about a year and a half ago. It was inspired by my then book about a lonely woman who travelled restlessly trying to avoid contact and feared a commitment to anyone might turn into a horrible hurtful mistake. Needs a bit of work, but I thought I might share it. Maybe I'll use it in another book. Who knows...

All my life, I have proceeded in a state in such which let’s me not regain in me the most horrifying truth about myself: I am alone. I see no one; I love no one; I befriend no one. I ask myself if I have come to regret doing this to myself. And I do. I regret it a little too much.

I do regret it, and I feel ashamed that I do. I feel as if I would be regretting what I have built through the time of my being. I don’t know why it is that I do, but I just do. I have come to realize that I have built a wall in which I let no one come through and I’ve been proud of that for my whole life. I have come to realize that I’ve just been torturing myself for these past five years by believing that I would be happier if people stayed out of my life, or if I stayed out of other’s lives. I guess it never crossed my mind that one day I would come and be lonely. So, here I was – somewhere new, somewhere different, yet I was still the same person. I think that I was the only thing that I wanted to get away from when I decided how my life ought to be lived. I was the monster I was hiding from. I was the one I wanted to get away from. And, now, I look back and I seem to forget that I need things in my life; some things just ought to be there like friends, and maybe even family. I ran away from all of those important things, when I was really trying to get away from myself.

This all came to me a little bit later than the proper time for it should’ve been. This was just a meditation in which I have concentrated on what I want. No, not what I want, but what I need.

But is it going to make a difference now, after all that has happened?

Yes, this had to make a difference. It just had to.