Re-defined Life

They say that once you find that person who so seems to make your mind go numb, your stomach flip, someone you can actually picture yourself with even when you are old and crippled, you will always find a way to be with that person. They say that once you find all that, you will never have another lonely night. Yet, in the distant I hear a laughter that annoys me, and, near me, I hear the words “I need your loving like the sunshine” being uttered. I seem to be standing still while the whole world revolves around me, confusing me, making me dizzy; it seems to be spinning with happiness, while I’m standing with sadness. Slow-motioned people move around the room, smiling, laughing. I see everyone; I see no one. I see a girl of about sixteen, letting her head fall back while her shoulders move up and down and her mouth opens and closes, showing off her coffee-stained teeth. I don’t move while everyone seems to do so. She’s placing her hand on the shoulder of a guy, brown hair, blurry face, laughing also. She leans forward, opening and closing her mouth at odd intervals. People talk and I don’t listen; the words go on annoyingly, but I can’t listen. The constant nagging of everyone who doesn’t get enough in life – it makes me wonder if there is some purpose for all of those who do so, any at all.

I Never Thought

That lovely face, round and decadent, I could not imagine dead. Those glistering eyes I cannot see how they can leave me. The love your lips pursued over mine will never be there anymore that you will.
I should’ve known that this utopia could not last forever. I had to know, somehow, that your skin would fall and that your skeleton will be bare and soon decrepit. I knew in my heart that you would not live forever with me, that you would have to leave sometime, but my soul seems to not have known; it feels that a part of it has gone missing.
But you just lay there, not knowing. I miss you and I want you back. You don’t seem to hear me, even if I spend all my days just wishing and waiting. You are gone and I’m still here. You are gone; you left me, and yet you are still with me somehow.
I should be well aware that you loved me. Most of all, though, I never thought you could be so peaceful without me.

A Retrospect

The piece you are about to read was written about a year and a half ago. It was inspired by my then book about a lonely woman who travelled restlessly trying to avoid contact and feared a commitment to anyone might turn into a horrible hurtful mistake. Needs a bit of work, but I thought I might share it. Maybe I'll use it in another book. Who knows...

All my life, I have proceeded in a state in such which let’s me not regain in me the most horrifying truth about myself: I am alone. I see no one; I love no one; I befriend no one. I ask myself if I have come to regret doing this to myself. And I do. I regret it a little too much.

I do regret it, and I feel ashamed that I do. I feel as if I would be regretting what I have built through the time of my being. I don’t know why it is that I do, but I just do. I have come to realize that I have built a wall in which I let no one come through and I’ve been proud of that for my whole life. I have come to realize that I’ve just been torturing myself for these past five years by believing that I would be happier if people stayed out of my life, or if I stayed out of other’s lives. I guess it never crossed my mind that one day I would come and be lonely. So, here I was – somewhere new, somewhere different, yet I was still the same person. I think that I was the only thing that I wanted to get away from when I decided how my life ought to be lived. I was the monster I was hiding from. I was the one I wanted to get away from. And, now, I look back and I seem to forget that I need things in my life; some things just ought to be there like friends, and maybe even family. I ran away from all of those important things, when I was really trying to get away from myself.

This all came to me a little bit later than the proper time for it should’ve been. This was just a meditation in which I have concentrated on what I want. No, not what I want, but what I need.

But is it going to make a difference now, after all that has happened?

Yes, this had to make a difference. It just had to.